19 May

Almost real

Almost real

I was in a crowd where at first I think I was just passing by or I may have lost myself, but slowly after taking a good look, they were people I know. I very know them well cause they were my ex-teammates whom I spent most of my beautiful memories since I started working in the company. They were talking, or more like planning about something. And my heart started beating irregularly upon hearing his name and mine together. I think I have an idea what they are up to.

My initial reaction was to walk away and avoid them. It was like I knew for myself to act like this if I ever see him again and that is to avoid talking with him and finding about my feelings. I was afraid of what he is going to say so I'd rather just keep it to myself even though it hurts.

But not too long one of them there, the one who knows my feelings the most and probably be the one who was up for this planning thing, noticed me and called my name. I just keep walking like I never heard of anything. A part of me says I should just get the hell out of that crowd but also a part of me
says I should go to him. And that's the fact that I miss that person so bad. And I really do want to see him again.

Suddenly I see myself being dragged up into the group. I see the three boys and it's as if myself is betraying me. I immediately greeted them saying I miss them so much and the moments we had to together. But I don't see 'him'. I was kind of sad.

And it was as if I summoned him by my mind and in a blink he appeared out of the blue. He was wearing a cap, and the smile of his face I always want to see. He was the guy I kept on thinking from the day he captured my heart and til the day he left by my side. He was a teammate first, then a friend and until he became my unexpected love. He held my hand and suddenly the scene shifted into something fun. As soon as he held me the other boys also took my other hand and dragged me down the road. We were suddenly roller skating. They shouted as we ran down and I laughed with them. I did not expected it. I can also hear a joyful song playing in the background.

Okay it was a detailed dream because I can still remember it and I want to remember it.
It was a warm atmosphere surrounding around us. We had so much fun til we slowed down and stopped at a corner. We were still laughing and cracking some jokes like what we do before then after a while they left us two alone. Just him and I.

So this was the particular moment I won't forget.

He held my hand and he intertwined our fingers. I swear my heart almost burst out from beating so loud when he did that. He told me that he know it now. HE ALREADY KNOW NOW.

And I know what he was talking about. There were no other words particularly other than that but he hugged me so tight. He even dug his face into my neck that lasted for like a couple of minutes. And he brought his eyes upon mine but he was not talking. I can see myself in his eyes, and they were so sincere.

It was so enough.

Even when he don't say it, I knew he also feels the same way. And it was the happiest moment in my life. Or maybe the happiest moment I had in a dream. And it feels so real. His warmth feels so real. I just don't want it to end :(

My happiness did not subside even when we walked down the road holding hands. I did not know he was the clingy type. He held my hand like it was a part of his, he would never let go.

Until we came to a place where many people know us, the company. My teammates were happy seeing us being together, and there are those who were speechless. But I need not worry cause the whole time around, he kept me close with him and showed everyone around that he is happy being with me.

It was fire in the whole building. Our relationship become a trend in Facebook. Some cannot believe it. Even I myself can't believe that we are together now. I was more than happy seeing him being happy with me. That was all I need.

Until a day came and I woke up in my dream. I was afraid it was just a dream and it was not real.

But who am I kidding? It was just a sweet dream. A sweet dream that became a nightmare the moment I opened my eyes.

It was a heartbreak for me. Why did I dream about that? Why can't I just peacefully move on? I knew I can't suppress my feelings anymore but I didn't have to dream something beautiful like that. It just keeps my hope. It just breaks my heart.

I just want to be happy with someone I love, why can't it happen for real?


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  • Maria Carla Cernuto
    Professional Reflector

    Maria Carla Cernuto

    Posted on May 19, 2017

    Hi somethingaboutding! If this were my dream I would note how Freud discovered dreams often depicted "wish fulfillment," such as my longing for the boy I have feelings for and my dreaming we are together. I would also consider 'he' may represent integrating (hug/teammate) my masculine side into the rest of my psyche: loyal, confident, assertive, outspoken, and/or my ability to act creatively or succeed in the waking world. I would think about the qualities or talents I admire in 'him,' and how these may be attributes of my own. I would imagine losing myself in the crowd may reflect feeling a loss of individuality within my social group or among my peers. I would ask myself, "How may the qualities I associate with 'him' or my masculine characteristics help me reach some goal or complete some project (planning something)?"