Wanting, needing, waiting

For you to justify my love

Yearning, burning

For you to justify my love




What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do?

Talk to me, tell me your dreams, am I in them?

Tell me your fears, are you scared?

Tell me your stories, I'm not afraid of who you are, we can fly




Poor is the man whose pleasures depend

On the permission of another


– Madonna (co writers Chavez and Kravitz)

 


 


Dreams containing sexual content are quite common to all people worldwide – male or female, young or old – we all share these sometimes exhilarating, other times terrifying, and depending upon our upbringing and personal life experiences, possibly shameful reveries. Some experts on dreaming, such as followers of Dr Sigmund Freud, may assert these types of dreams stem from unfulfilled erotic wishes. Our Dreaming Mind, by author Dr Robert Van de Castle, includes research on sexual dreams from a physiological perspective, and with respect to the subject of REM Sleep and Genital Arousal he writes:


An area of psychosomatic functioning that affects all humans is genital functioning. […]


Most erections occur during REM periods, but their onset may precede the REM period and they may persist for a while after the REM period ends. […]


Our study documented that normal young women experience a marked increase in circulatory activity in the genital area comparable to that found in males.


 


According to researchers erotic dreams are a natural physiological response to processes occurring while we sleep. Luckily, science has advanced our understanding of various unusual phenomena, which were once considered to derive from a demonic or extraterrestrial source. Anyone who has experienced sexual invasions from the dreaded incubus or succubus during sleeping and dreaming understands firsthand the following quote from researcher and author, Ryan Hurd, from his compendium, Sleep Paralysis: A Guide to Hypnagogic Visions and Visitors of the Night:


Dreaming sleep is simply a sexy place to be. Even when we are scared, and sometimes because we are scared, sexual excitement does not diminish. Sexuality and terror are deeply intertwined, neurologically speaking.


I have awakened aroused and sweating with my heart pounding from “erotic dreams,” which may also be categorized as terrifying. I have experienced incubus’ sexual advances, in which I felt both pleasure and fear. I have coupled with gorgeous vampires, at least when I looked at them straight on, but when I saw their faces reflected in glass they were beastly; yet I still felt a burning desire for these bloodsucking men, and engaged in sexual activity with them in these erotic nightmares. The most atypical incubus / succubus dream I have had is where I bear witness to another dreamer being violated during sleep paralysis; the dream is titled, Demon Voyeurism:


I am sitting on the bedroom floor meditating, and cleansing my aura with vortexes of white light. I notice there is a female sleeping on the bed in front of me. I see an impish female facing me, legs straddling the sleeping female’s stomach – facing away from the dreamer’s head – she leers at me as she has her way with the sleeping female. I see a male figure, incubus like, mount the impish female (a succubus like figure), and they start having sex on top of the sleeping female. The dreamer is moaning as if she is either having a nightmare or being sexually pleasured. I am both aroused and scared as I watch spellbound!  I have never witnessed what happens to me during sleeping / dreaming, happen to another dreamer, and I am fascinated. […]


 


In a few sexual dreams I have been a male having intercourse with a female, I have engaged in homosexuality (for more on this topic see an earlier blog I wrote titled, Homosexuality in Heterosexuals’ Dreams, What Could this Mean?), and I have delighted in being a voyeur to others erotic escapades. I have participated in dream ménage à trios, sometimes as myself with two males and other times I have enjoyed sex with a male and another female; I have engaged in kinky activities with a transgender (male to female) dream character as well. I am comfortable with sexuality in general, having grown up around a very open-minded family on the subject, and this could be responsible for the array of sensual dream experiences I have shamelessly enjoyed. I could have fixated on the freakiness of the following dream, but I see a greater message in the pre-sex dialogue between a transgender lover and myself in the following dream titled, Skulka’s Fetish:


 I am at a fetish party / nightclub with “D.” We are hanging out with drag queens and trannies. I am talking and flirting with a guy who later is flirting with me as a female – I don’t realize it’s the guy from earlier at first. She / he is wearing latex – rocker meets kinky style attire – and is wearing shiny, stiletto, thigh-high boots – dressed all in black.


I continue flirting and talking with him as a female, and then we start making out. She / he asks, “Are you a skulk?” I immediately reply, “Yes.” She / he asks, “Do you know what that means?” I answer, jokingly at 1st, “that I am try-sexual… I will try anything at least once, but I think it means a female who has sex with bisexual men who dress in drag or who are transsexuals.” She / he says, “Yes,” and we begin making out again, engaging in S&M / B&D sex play. […]


Upon waking I was more fascinated by the word “skulk,” for I was unfamiliar with the term and was not even sure it was an actual word, than I was concerned about the kinky sex in which I had engaged. The origin of the term is Scandinavian, “skulka,” to lie in wait, or lurk. The English definition is to hide or conceal something (often oneself) usually in a negative way, or to move stealthily with sinister intent; skulk is also used to describe a congregation of foxes, vermin or thieves.  However, I did not actually know the meaning of the term skulk, and my definition in the dream was more about wild, unabashed sexuality; although my dream lover appearing at first male and then with a female facade certainly fits the literal definition. During a two year period of my life leading up to this dream, I had been very much “hiding” from any intimate / sexual relationships, for I had been through a tumultuous divorce that left me with a lot of residual pain (i.e. S&M / B&D sex play) that I needed to process; however around this time my passions were beginning to stir again, although I was apprehensive about developing intimacy once more.


 


I have even had dream-intercourse with nonhuman entities such as a talking iguana, a paper female and an androgynous water sprite that could transform into either gender during sex. The following is an example from my own dream journal titled, Manguana:


I am having sex with a humanlike, human size, talking, violet colored iguana-man. He and I are in the shower getting it on. He bends me over, my hands against the shower wall; his reptilian hands are firmly gripping my waist as he thrusts in and out. At some point he is on his back and I am on top riding him erotically – stroking his spiky crest affectionately. He is ooohing and ahhhing, and making typical sex faces that people do. The iguana-man reminds me of R. […]


At the time of this dream my home was located on a pond, and I had developed a relationship of trust with the iguanas that inhabited this ecosystem and observed them often, even using them as a dreamsign for lucidity; ironically, I totally missed getting lucid in this dream. I remember contemplating that I liked the way the males established dominance; it was nonviolent, which is quite the opposite for most of the animal kingdom. They do a lot of posturing, waving their dewlap, tail smacking and rushing at the smaller males; but there was never any bloodshed or real physical harm, at least from what I had observed over the six years I lived there (probably because they are vegetarians). “R” is my ex-husband and he is a somewhat effeminate musician, and I had only witnessed him “male posturing” on few occasions, never actually physically fighting; and when I had this dream I was missing, not only our sexual chemistry, but his playful personality, which was illustrated in the rest of the dream, however I omitted that part due to its irrelevance on the present topic. In this context, this particular sex dream seemed to represent my longing for my ex-husband.


 


Nocturnal emission, or a wet dream, was once considered to be exclusive to male dreamers as were orgasms in early history, thankfully we have “come” a long way since those archaic times, and science has proved this prudish, Victorian like belief to be erroneous. I have experienced orgasms while dreaming; I have actually awakened in the middle of climaxing as illustrated in my dream, Hot Honduran:


I am having sex with the tall, dark and handsome Honduran guy from the gym. I jump into his arms, wrap my legs around him, and we are kissing passionately / sensually. He carries me to the bed and throws me down. We are really making out intensely – I am getting wetter and wetter – he tears my panties off and is stroking my clit – after a while he slides down, kissing my body as he descends – then he is between my legs kissing, orally bringing me to climax.


I awakened sharply inhaling, back arching, with my legs trembling during a full on orgasm. This dream could definitely be categorized as wish fulfillment, for I had often fantasized about this guy while working out, but he was married, and for me, that is a line I will not cross.


 


 


Not all sex dreams depict secret carnal desires. I have noticed a pattern that when I dream of chiropractors, be they current or past doctors of mine, I know I need to get an adjustment right away or suffer the consequences, which is pain and structural instability. In my dream titled, Sexual Healing, my doctor-lover seems to indicate a waking life need for healing:


 I am in Dr G’s office, his last appointment of the day, after the adjustment we spontaneously have sex. Later I see “A” and she asks, “Did you have sex?” I say, “No,” and walk into another room, she follows saying, “You had sex with Dr G!” I say, “No,” and laugh. She exclaims, “Yes, you did!” We were laughing. I tell her, “It was pretty good… better than I thought it would be.”  I was worried about having sex with him at 1st because I figured if it was weird after then I just lost a good chiropractor when I’m “back out” in L.A.  


Dr “G” was my chiropractor when I lived in Los Angeles; I was not attracted to him in waking life, and was in a fulfilling relationship at the time, yet I have had several dreams where he and I are intimate over the years. I woke up in need of a chiropractic adjustment (i.e. “back out”), and I have learned to listen to these prodromal dreams (dreams that signal impending health problems), because when I have not gone for an adjustment subsequent to such dreams, I have ended up incapacitated and in severe pain. If I had interpreted this dream solely as wish fulfillment I would have missed the valuable and therapeutic message contained within this dream.


 


Dr Van de Castle also explored the subject of sex dreams with regard to mature populations, and in chapter twelve, Dreams Throughout The Life Span, from his book, Our Dreaming Mind, he writes:Sexual themes, however, were not significantly less frequent in the dreams of the older women.” A seventy-five year old lady who was recently widowed began to have erotic dreams about her late husband of fifty-five years; with her permission I am including one she had tearfully recounted:


I am having sex with my husband; we are the age we are now. We are doing it on the couch because of his back problems. He is seated on the couch and I am trying to find a comfortable position where I am straddling him – my back is to him – I am trying to swing my leg around, it was awkward. I say, “Maybe we should just do it in the bed; this is crazy trying to do it like this.” It felt so real! I really enjoyed touching him and feeling him close to me again.   


Simply because we grow older does not mean we lose our need for intimacy, and our libidos may still thrive in our golden years, although it may be our longing for closeness that is represented by our erotic reveries as this elderly widow’s dream seemed to express.


 


In waking life, the subject of sexuality is quite complex, and sex dreams are no exception, we cannot reduce erotic dreams to the mere repression of our carnal desires. At times our sexual dreams may express a longing for a former mate, or for a lack of intimacy in our physical realities; other times there may be a physiological explanation. Erotic dreams may represent the integration of our masculine and feminine characteristics, symbolizing a need for, or a phase of, wholeness. Sensual dreams can mean many things depending upon their context, the dreamer’s personal feelings regarding sex, their sexual experiences in waking life, and what is currently happening in the dreamer’s inner and outer life. Sex dreams are completely natural to all humans, nevertheless if there has been sexual abuse in the life of the dreamer these types of dreams can be an unwelcome experience; and these individuals would greatly benefit from the support of a qualified healthcare professional that can help them process their past trauma in a safe environment in order to facilitate healing.